Personal Blog.

I need out of this house.
I feel like I'm going to have a mental breakdown.
Another household screamfest, I don't even consider it a family anymore. My mum comes in & threatens to take away everything I own if I post ANYTHING about being depressed Or anything to do with the fight on facebook or say anything to anyone.
I'm tired of having to bottle everything up.
I'm tired of having so much to bottle up.
I'm shaking & using all my willpower to refrain from breaking down. But I'm used to having to put up a tough exterior. Too used to it. Everything that's bottled up crashing like heavy waves against the walls I've built up, threatening to break.. There's too much. I feel like if I curled up into a ball & cried out all my pain I may lay there for eternity..
All this because my sister didn't let my brother use her profile on xbox. So my brother flipped out about it. It's hers to say yes or no to, she paid for it, & because she didn't share, my dad called her a stupid little bitch & my mum told her she was giving away her iPod. I told them I thought that was unfair, & because of that, the wrath turned on me. They threatened to take away everything I own, deny me access to the internet, & smash my xbox because I'm "immature". Yeah. I know I'm a fuck up. I know I'm a let down. A biiiig disappointment. You remind me of that with every mutter under your breath when you think I'm not listening.
I want out of here so bad... I'm not a religious person, but I've been praying every night that I get across on the ferry.
But at the same time, I feel like I'm the only sane person in my house, & I'm my sister's rock, I'm going to feel unbareably guilty leaving my sister with these people.
My brother manipulates every one in the family & gets her in trouble so much, & my parents are quick to jump down her throat, because it's so much easier to dump everything on her than to deal with my agressive brother.
My mother is a huge bitch to my sister 95% of the time. Grounds my sister 24/7, never let's her out, takes everything away from her, puts her down all the time calling her stupid, an idiot, a dumb bitch, tells her she looks like a whore when she does her makeup.
My sister is completely scared of my dad because all he does is scream & hit people.
My sister is sitting here talking about wanting to run away, how badly she doesn't wanna be here, how she sometimes thinks about suicide. & I know exactly how she feels because I hated it so badly, I got so depressed I was cutting myself & when I got so low I started thinking about suicide, I DID run away to NYC, the farthest place from them where they wouldn't be able to find me.
Things aren't so stressful when my brother isn't here...but that's not the case.
I want to slip into a sweet coma until my boyfriend comes on the 20th. My sister too. We're happier when we sleep. We usually fall asleep holding eachother's hands.
I'm tired of this Hell.
But I don't want to abandon my sister in it either.
I know I have to take care of myself, but I'm all she has.
Even though I put on a tough exterior for her, she's kind of my rock too.


  1. Don't worry, be happy! Everything will be all right ;)

  2. get out and live a little! :D

  3. Everything works out in the end, just look up.

  4. things will work out just dont snap and take it one day at a time after all today will become the past tomorrow so look to the future

  5. so scary, I hope this is not real.

  6. you ever heard a song called girlfriend in acoma? by the Smiths?